Musings On Wine and Getting Old

This past weekend I went to a 40^th anniversary party for Cakebread Cellars, one of my favorite wineries in the Napa Valley.  It was a wonderful event with great wines (the 2001 Chardonnay Reserve was my favorite wine) and great food (the crab salad on top of a fried green tomato slice was my favorite food). 

As is the nature of this type of event, my dinner companions and I made polite small talk and talked about the type of work that we do.  The mix consisted of a CPA who did personal accounting, a CPA who worked for a large accounting firm, a professional banker, a school teacher, an Information Technology Officer for a startup healthcare provider, a contract management officer for the University of California San Francisco, and me, an Executive Director for Assisted Living, (insert punch line here).  I was a little surprised when the work that I did for a living became the focal point for the evening’s dinner conversation.  But perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised since everyone at the table was of the sandwich or “tweener” generation.  Sandwich or “tweener” families are providing support for their own children, but as we see more and more often, are also providing support for aging parents.  The support is certainly emotional but for many “tweeners” it is also financial. 

We talked at length about how many from our parent’s generation even as their resources are dwindling, are obsessed with making sure they leave something behind, a final bequest to either their children or their grandchildren.  Whereas the tweener generation at the table indicated they felt no obligation to leave something behind for anyone.  One person said they would spend every last dime and that seemed to be the sentiment for most.  This sentiment signals a clear change in attitude from one generation to the next.  Perhaps equally surprising is that it has happened in such a short time span, a single generation.  A generation is usually thought to represent roughly a twenty year period.  Sociologist and psychologist who study such things are scratching their heads in wonder at this rapid change.  While the experts pontificate various explanations,  I think the “me” generation had spoken, perhaps prodded along that evening by the various wines that were being sampled. 

Trying to appear as innocent as possible, I pushed the conversation to what those at the table had done to prepare for their aging process.  After the usual I’m not going to get old comments and twitters of laughter got out of the way, I sensed a very real underlying fear among my dinner companions.  I didn’t see it as simply fear of aging but more likely a combination of many fears.  The fears of changes we expect as we get older are there for everyone to see but there are other fears that we as “tweeners” feel.  The term “tweeners” certainly indicates the position my generation has socially but it also references the push and pull we get from the generations before and after us.  The fear of not having the resources to support our children and also to support our parents can’t be hidden behind puffed out chests and driving the brightest and newest car(s).  Isn’t the question really if I meet those obligations how will I be in a position to provide for my own later years?  What I see is a disconnect promoted perhaps unknowingly by “me” generation.  We haven’t instilled the same sense of respect, responsibility, and even obligation from one generation to the next that our parents did with us.  Somewhere in the back of our minds is the fear that we’ve done something wrong that is going to suddenly come to light.

Perhaps using the illustration of the inheritance obligation felt by our parent’s generation and the lack of that same sense of obligation for our generation sidesteps a lot of the issues that surround the future of senior care.  But I do think it albeit for a brief fleeting thought represents one of the fears we as “tweeners” have about getting older.

There has been a sort of running joke in my family about making sure that one of my children became that pinnacle of the American success story, a doctor.  The undercurrent of that joke was that child or children would be the financial reserve that I could tap as I got older.  I’ve not been silent about expressing that thought out loud somewhat jokingly.  Alas, none of my children as of yet are doctors nor look to be on track to being the next Bill Gates.  Like many others of the next generation they are struggling with their own types of pressures made all the more complicated by a society that doesn’t at present offer the wide array of opportunities that faced me in my twenties and thirties.  Midlife I’ve had to change gears and re-examine my retirement plan.  I’m not sure that my children will feel the same sense of obligation but I’ve also come to increasingly having to face they most likely will not have the resources to help even if they wanted to help.  I would be willing to bet that I’m not alone in having that discussion with myself.  Like the majority of “tweeners” I approach getting older with many fears.

Contributing author Steven Mattingly is the Executive Director of Pacifica Senior Living in San Leandro, CA.