Dealing With Acceptance: Understand What's Causing Your Loved One's Resistance And How You Can Encourage Support.

Are you faced with a loved one resisting to any type of care?  This is one of the toughest challenges you can face with your aging loved one.  Through your support and understanding, you can foster acceptance.

What is the root of not wanting assistance?

Understanding what your loved one is going through in the aging process will gain your empathy for him or her.  He or she is most likely dealing with the LOSS of; physical, mental, and independence.  Admitting to care may mean surrendering their privacy, which can result in embarrassment that he or she can no longer take care of things. Remember, your loved one does not want to become a burden on the family, which results in stubbornness and unwilling to participate, but mostly, concerned with financial means. 

What's the best way approach?

If you believe that your loved one needs care, but are afraid to bring up the subject, start communicating openly in a delicate manner:

• Choose a time when you and your loved one are well rested and not hurried.
• Ask questions about your loved one's preferences. You can learn what they are dealing with, and what type of help your loved one needs. 
• Recruit the assistance of family members or friends.
• Don't ever presume that your loved one is unable to discuss care preferences.
• Don't give up.  Getting your loved one to understand his or her needs may take more than once.

Some strategies to encourage cooperation:

• If living at home is not an option, start researching retirement living communities in the area(s) of interest.  Schedule tours.  Don’t make it hard for your loved one to select, pick your top three (3) to visit.
• If one of the communities is of interest, follow up with the community and ask if they have a respite program.  Respite stay gives your loved one the opportunity to try the retirement community for a short period of time, usually between 3 and 30 days.
• Don’t get angry.  Your focus is to get acceptance from your loved one. 
• Explain how perhaps moving to a retirement community may prolong his or her independence. Accepting some assistance may help your loved to be able to enjoy the activities that used to be of interest.
• Help your loved one cope with the loss of independence. If a retirement community is the option, schedule a time with the administrator of the community and ask to meet with residents that have the same interests.  This will give your loved one the opportunity to meet others that have experienced the same scenarios.

The above suggestions would not be appropriate for your loved one if he or she has been diagnosed with dementia.  Your role would be to find a memory care community that will bring you peace of mind that he or she is being well taken care of.

If you are dealing with any of the above circumstances, feel free to phone any of Pacifica's Senior Living full service independent, assisted living and memory care communities.  

Make A Dent

Make A Dent 

by 

Rebekah Martin

This past Valentines Day I came across a quote by Mother Theresa that read “The hunger for love is much harder to remove than the hunger for bread”.  I have the honor of making a dent in this hunger every day through “Legacies” our Memory Care program.

Life in all stages in both challenging & rewarding. However, this Dent we make in weaves the two. Creating a beautiful, one-of-a-kind tapestry that becomes the fabric of our lives.

A great example I love to share is one day while working at our Assisted Living Community that specializes in Memory Care, I was rushing from phone calls to reports to a tour to paperwork to moving furniture because someone was moving in…….when I observed a resident – observing me.

After I finished what I was doing I walked over to Mildred. A beautiful black woman with strong ways, strong opinions & very strong affections!

“Hi Mildred. How are you?” I asked.  In that low and smoky voice she replied evenly “Just like a 16 year old”.  “That’s cool.  Me too most of the time.  So where are you going?”.  “Crazy” she cracked.

I gave her a hug, told her I’d be back and headed out to make my rounds at the local hospital. Before closing the door behind me I looked back to see that she began to smile after me.

After arriving at the Hospital, I stepped in the elevator and removed my sun glasses. As the doors closed I remarked to the gentleman riding with me on what a beautiful day it was. It was then I noticed he was still wearing his sun glasses when he replied quietly “I wish it were a better day”. Oh dear I thought. “I’m sorry. Do you have a loved one here?”.

“My wife” he replied “I’m going to her room right now because they’re going to pull the plug. She’s only 44.”

Before those doors opened again I learned his name was Robert and assured him he would be in my prayers.  Because Life has taught me that being there for people who cross our path is what a friend does.

Of course my heart was heavy as I continued to the 4^th floor case management dept. but that’s where I found Faith.

Faith’s mother lived at our Community years ago so when she saw me she knew she didn’t have to keep conversation strictly business. She could tell me anything on her mind.  And that day, she did!  She ended her venting about the lack of rewards in her dept. for those who work harder than the others with “I’m just burned out, I’m burned out, I’m burned out”…….

Thankfully I was able to put a smile on her face before I left (because that’s what we do not only AT our community but also IN our community) by sharing a favorite inspirational quote, but as I walked back to the elevator, I began to wonder what I could do to make a difference for Faith.

People were getting on and off as I headed down, but then the doors opened at the 2^nd floor, and in walked Robert.

And somehow once again he & I ended up being the only 2 on that elevator continuing down to the 1st.

I instinctively placed my arm across his shoulders.

He, uttered 2 words.

“Its over”.

Before we parted I handed him my business card and said “Robert, I want you to pick up the phone any day of your life you need someone to talk to or someone to listen. Every manager at our Community has seen what you’re going through”.

I stayed just long enough to watch him take a seat in the lobby.  It was then it occurred to me he was all alone.

So by the time I reached the parking lot again and my convenient Lexus cage, I thought “Am I the only one that needs a glass of Chardonnay right now?!”.  

And I need an answer.

It came. The answer that is.

I cannot erase Robert’s sorrow.

I cannot change the dynamics at the hospital.

And I cannot cure Alzheimer’s Disease which afflicts so many of our residents

But, I can Make a Dent.

I realized Robert was not entirely alone in his time of need. I was there…

I discovered Faith recently celebrated her 10^th anniversary working at the medical center. We showed our appreciation and what followed is another beautiful story.

And I had the privilege of Co-Chairing Modesto’s 1st Walk To ENDAlzheimer’s through which we exceeded our fundraising goal by almost 20k.

You see, making a dent in this way is what I’ve learned is the “Up” to the “Down”.

Its celebrating Life

Its making meal time an opportunity to share & socialize

Its being a friend

And it’s the expression of confidence our families have in us that we take very seriously.

So, I invite you to join us for an upcoming event at our Community, to volunteer or just for lunch & a tour. Not only because our team knows how to celebrate life like no other, but because its even better with you!

I encourage you to make a Dent. Its your Legacy.

Rebekah Martin 

Community Relations Director

Pacifica Senior Living - Modesto, CA